Stay or Leave?

Me: "I would like to be your girlfriend. its important to me. I know you are reluctant, and I respect your feelings. Still, I need to move forward in life. If, by the end of the year, you don't share my desire to be coupled up then I'll be sad, but I will know it's time to move on"

Him: "I definitely understand what you mean. The attraction is really there, we both know that. I don't want to start talking about my goals because we both have them. You're a good woman, it's best I let you know that"

From his response, we learn that:

He’s not going to change his mind.

You can’t change him.

Sound familiar? You believe there's something there with potential to grow but somehow he refuses to commit, to claim you publicly. We all know that patience is a virtue blah blah blah, but sometimes before you get in too deep and find that you're alone in a relationship, it might be worth it to shake the table a little.

But shaking the table might mean plenty wahala. Are you ready for any eventuality?

So maybe it began as a situationship and you have decided that you like this guy and maybe, just maybe he likes you too.

I mean the signs are all there; he's calling and checking on you regularly, on his breaks from work, he's even texting you randomly. You're pretty much seeing each other exclusively and he's taking you out on dates. You start to feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe this is the one.

You have started to make excuses in your head why he won't come out and say "BABY GIRL, I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME TOO. WOULD YOU BE MY BOO?" You know the whole romantic spiel that has become bread and butter to women of a certain age in particular. And it seems to be working for some.

It must be working because every weekend there's a wedding or two to attend. Although there are whispered rumours that there's pregnancy involved or he has 15 girlfriends or they borrowed money to have the wedding while they live in a shack far away from town. You know, those rumours. But who cares about loose talk, when the sky is blue, the sun is shining and right on cue unseen birds began to chirp like its a bloody Disney fairytale, groom appears showing all his thirty-two like the hungry shark we don't know he is or with his struggle beard well-groomed for once. Who cares about jealous talk when the bride appears in gleaming white and everyone ignores the tiny hump in her middle that may or may not be Kwaku due to be born in six months.

Romantic spiel aside. Lets not waste anytime. Two or three months in, depending on your patience level ask the question and see the response. If he says everything but answer the question, then you have your response. if he answers the question in the negative too, be grateful.

Before you go away into seclusion to weep for the heart that just missed being broken remember that it's not you. I'm serious. It really isn't your fault because you treated him well and that’s the amazing person you are. It's all on him for failing to recognize real. Forget him. This will be easy to do if you have done enough work on yourself to recognize the great catch you are. In fact if he has been honest enough to admit that he's not ready to commit thank him and walk away with your head held high. Don't hang around hoping for crumbs from his table. Don't hang around because in time resentment will fill your heart and you will poison yourself and become bitter. The awful thing about becoming bitter is that when the right one comes around you'll still have that nastiness in your heart and it will blind you. Then you'll be like me for some time saying,"men are trash" when in fact we are all trash but once your trash meets my trash and we suit each other and are ready to commit to each other, it works.

What do you do next? Feel all the hurt. Cry. Take some time for yourself. The emotional release that comes with crying cannot be overstated. Let it all out. Your eyes might hurt for a while afterwards but it will pass. Nosy parkers might ask you why your eyes are red and your nose is shiny and you'll smile and say "oh i think its a cold i'm coming down with." I beg feel all the emotions but i beg you please don't break down in the middle of playing sad old school music and call him. Don't. Just take my word for it.

It gets better. I promise you that it does. And because you have learned from this experience. You know all the signs to watch out for in the future. In the meantime work on you because you are all you have.

And forgive yourself if you slip up a few times and call him because you just couldn't help it. One day you'll be able to.